Interlude A1, The Ones I Let Escape

(On the back of a photo postcard depicting the Great Wall, Summer of 2006).

I'm sorry I haven't been online much lately, I have computer access sporatically. The weather here in Beijing is horrendously oppressive, but apart from that, it's an interesting change from being in Naperville. I can't believe how much my siblings have grown; my brother has better aim than me throwing a ball and my sisters think Jay Chouis ugly, haha.

Besides playing with my sisters and brother, I haven't done anything notable (unless you count seeing parts of the World Cup on TV... but I get tired just watching them run =P). This is what I did on the plane ride over:

E nigmas are fuzzy, have no answer;

Z ebras are black/white, nothing else under;

R aven-haired chap who invites much wonder;

A iya, Hope I'll get to know him better!

I miss talking with you online. Hopefully I'll get a chance to see you before you leave for college. There are quite a few KFCs here, and I'm reminded of you whenever we pass near one. You look quite dapper in blue =) Enjoy the rest of your summer, and have a super-awesome time in New York!

Take care,

J

On the Future

I'm sure you've all been perceiving that the rest of our lives is about to begin, in some way. But for some reason, whereas some of you may feel it as the Spirit descending upon you invigoratingly, I see nothing but gloom and boredom. And maybe that's why I'm so reluctant to part ways with childhood - I see only nothingness in my future.

And it's not supposed to be like that, especially for one professing to be believe in Christ and His glory manifested through the Church. But perhaps I no longer truly believe in the power of such truth to effect change in us. In which case, it is no longer truth to me.

I'm just waiting for You to move me, God. I need something to aspire to.

I am a petty fool.  I find myself envious of the attention other people receive on their birthdays, and seethe at the injustice of it all.  My desire for others' well-regard is a weakness I must purge.

The Totals Aren't Computing to Twenty

What You See

If you see me doing anything good or productive, know that it is not of me.  What you witness is God at work, animating me to do that which is counter to what I am.

Ancient Utterings by Persons Long Dead to Other Deceased Individuals, Part 1c

(Recorded in the same journal, on the same day; see previous entry).

After receiving this.

I'm here on this cold, golden day, and the sun is shining through a crack in the curtains on this afternoon here in her house.  We sit here in the silence, enjoying it, because within it is carried all the unspoken words of our minds and the mutual feelings and emotions of our hearts.  The very air is saturated with our quiet happiness, pregnant with contentment.  This is where I find myself, this singular, eternal moment.  The paradox of that phrase aside, the description is apt.  I feel incredibly blessed by God to be with this wonderful, wonderful girl, and cannot be thankful enough.

I am happy.

Ancient Utterings by Persons Long Dead to Other Deceased Individuals, Part 1b

2-6-2006        Monday

     I'm setting an example for you!  Journaling is cool. ^_^  I want you to fill these pages with anything and everything - thoughts, quotes, verses, memories, longings, poems, songs, stories...

     If you don't have time, just write down one or two sentences!  Write about how He's blessing you, how He's changing you.  Write about our story.  Write about praises and prayers, 记忆和回忆...

     18... gosh how exciting!!!

     There is so much that I want to say here.  So much so that nothing ends up coming out!  I guess I'm just silly like that. :)

     Actually, nothing really needs to be said either.  I'm sure we'll cover everything today.  If not, we will do it sometime later.  We'll have a lot of time too, maybe even all the time there is.  If that's the case, I'm sure I'll be able to think of ways to phrase what I want you to know.

     Hurting one another is inevitable at this point in our unique friendship.  Someday, maybe in a small way, I will unintentionally hurt you, of, if I'm in a weird mood, it could be intentional... if I forget to say it later, I'm so sorry.  Girls hurt boys, we all know.  Write about it.  Give it to Jesus.  Give me another chance.

     Thank you for everything.  I don't know how to describe what you really mean to me.  I'm not as good with words as you are.  But I can show you. :)

Life isn't easy.

             Friendships may die.

      But I believe.

                     I believe.

        因为我们有爱情.  <3<3

     Happy birthday buddy.  Best of luck in the future.  A lot of people love you.  A lot of people are praying for you.  Stay strong and stay cool!

God bless,

W

(Oh, and you'd better use this!!!)

^_^

Ancient Utterings by Persons Long Dead to Other Deceased Individuals, Part 1a

(Written onto said CD).

Hey Ezra this is your girl W, presenting you with a CD mix with much love! I hope you like it and think of me when you listen to these songs, even if it's like at some totally random place, like some store - which is unlikely because you never shop, and those songs are all sappy slow jams ^_^

听一听,笑一笑 Enjoy!
--

I can't seem to get away from my past, so I might as well get it all out.

Why I Don't Blog Anymore

I realize why I don't blog anymore. It's because, on some level, I am aware of just how self-absorbed I am, and blogging reveals to the world my true nature. I cannot bear to show people a quality I myself despise, for hypocrisy I despise even more.

How Much Earth?

At the end of my favorite drama, which I have probably watched 5+ times, the main character asks Ghenghis Khan, "How much earth will you take up when you die?" Ghenghis Khan gestures out a piece of ground no more than a few square feet in size. "Then for what reason have you built this empire?"

I do often wonder about my potential paths in life. Whether my life might include the nicer things in life, which I find difficult to part with. I love eating out. I would love to support my favorite artists by buying their music more often. I actually enjoy shoe-shopping. Ice cream. Beer. A cigarette, every now and then, even. More than any other tangible thing, a stable and genuine romantic relationship.

None of these things are "bad," per se. But all of these things require money, to some degree, at least as I have experienced them in my upper-middle class existence. Would I truly be content with being poor, with living a penny-pinching life? Would I truly be at peace with sharing the sorrows of the oppressed and downtrodden, with a life of ministering to them? I know that this is what it means to be a Christian. What I do unto the least of these, I do unto God Himself. This is eternal life: to know Christ. To know Him, know His heart for the world. Not just the upper crust of society that receives so many blessings, but the lowly as well, whom He loves dearly.

Logically, no reason stands against the latter, but my flesh screams for the former.

What I'd say at a funeral (from an old poem I wrote)

Your eyes flutter - not open, but closed - as you try to blink back the tears, but give up. You cry for another beautiful pair that could not close themselves for the last time. But let dry your eyes for the singular hope that there is a heavenly realm, and let soar your heart for that beautiful pair that elsewhere has opened, better and brighter than ever before. Lift up your chin, that your face might catch the sun that rises on this morning - a morning made for those in mourning.

Congratulations

Congratulations, from me to all you friends of mine, for having finished this leg of your journey. I yell from a vast distance behind you, hoping my words will be carried on the wind, through your ears, and into your hearts - so that your legs are strengthened for the journey ahead.

Yet half of me hopes you won't hear this, because I don't want you to look back over your shoulders. You would see me in a shameful state, unable to be fully happy for all of you because of the selfish me that sees in you what I could have been.

At the same time, it makes my congratulations all the more significant, in light of the fact that I wouldn't have offered them at all, some time ago. Where before there was no room in my heart for any of you, there is now some.

I'm sorry that I am so selfish. I don't mean to make this about me. I'm sorry that I've been unable to look past my own circumstances to take joy in your successes. I'll come around completely, eventually - I promise. But for now, I entreat you to accept this pittance of praise. Once again, congratulations, Class of 2010.

La Mia Preghiera

Vengo di nuovo per la tua grazia. Cambi la mia mente. Mi mostri la tossicità del mio peccato, così odio il mio peccato. Come Lei odii il mio peccato, voglio odiare il mio peccato.

Io sono come Jacob

Lotto con e contro Dio. Lotto con Dio contro me stesso - lo stesso che lotta contro Dio. Anche come Jacob, voglio Dio mi benedice. Lotto al fino di mostrare Dio questo: voglio le cose Lui dare.

On My Thinning Friendships

As I become more uniquely myself, I naturally become palatable to fewer people. Not everyone can see how awesome I am, but whether that's because they can't see the awesomeness that is there or because they can't see an awesomeness that isn't there - that is up to me.

Why Atheism is like Sucking Balls

If I had found atheism to provide the purpose I need to keep drawing breath, I would gladly have followed it. But all I see in it is nihilism. Without a god or an afterlife, there is no reason for taking any one option in life over another, because there ultimately is no consequence. Our choices are meaningless, we're just to mindlessly fuck and die. Any value system devised by humans (read: morality) from which individuals derive worth is arbitrary and a farce.

Understanding Christ's Alienation

I feel disrespected and marginalized by people who should recognize my worth. I think, as I have said several times before, that this must be, as much as is humanly possible, what God feels on account of me. This is such an interesting way to understand Christ's alienation.

A Singular Thought for the Past 2 Days

Jesus Christ erases the line between "self" and "other."

Fragment 1

He opts to play politely, contorting his face to a facsimile of theirs, smile and all. If only they knew that, beyond all the perfunctory "how do you do's," mundane "have a good day's," and the rest of the affectations of small talk, there exists a person. If only they were all fencers. At least when fencers don their masks, their dances are short and they try to get to the heart of a person. The last time anybody had even tried, he had, by knee-jerk reaction, parried.


God dammit, he'd parried.

Lent Reflections, Part 2

God is saying to me,

Ezra, you were capable of doing great things in your life. But I took those away from you because I wanted to show you that I was the one who gave you the ability, that I am God, that I AM... and that I love you. Your abilities, applied to any other "great" purpose except in service of me, would be worthless because they would not lead you to me. And I love you too much to see my gifts lead you away from me.

I've realized more and more over the past few years how insignificant worldly goals are next to God. This realization has been intensifying in recent months and I find it humbling.

Uno dei impeti of my realization, a profound thought from small group discussion:

We often say, to other people and amongst ourselves, 'Believe in Christ to have eternal life.' But the truth is, Christ Himself IS eternal life. There is no life to be had apart from Him.

Which echoes a thought out of Francis Chan's book, Forgotten God. He criticizes so-called "Christians" who have "in a sense, asked Him to join them on their life journey, to follow them wherever they feel they should go, rather than following Him as we are commanded" (Chan, Forgotten God, Pp 122). That is me. I don't know if that's you, but that is definitely me. I have thrashed about, thrown tantrums trying to get God to see the "good" that is in my plans. Even now, I am not wholly at ease with the certainty of uncertainty. There is nothing sure in my future but the surety of Christ and His work. Am I sounding convincingly unconvinced of God's promises, yet?

Che segue, then, is my response to this realization I have received about myself. To allow myself to truly be guided by the Holy Spirit. I have been lacking that guidance not because it hasn't been provided, or even because I am unable to see it, but because I have willfully chosen not to see it.

Lent Reflections, Part 1 (Hopefully of Many)

Ho mangiato. È detto che il pieno non hanno il desiderio a cucinare per l'affamato. Ma questa non dovrà essere, perché Cristo, non me stesso, ha cucinato per me. Lui mi ha dato lui stesso, e io come lui divento.

I had originally decided to give up a number of things for Lent (including gtalk, aim, facebook, blogging, etc.), but depriving myself of those things did not cause me to become any more prepared for His Passion. In fact, I gained greater perspective and much-needed correction whilst engaging with others. After all, Lent can only be as personalized as our own walks with Christ, which aren't solitary at all. There has been one consistent theme I have seen throughout this past half-year, and it is the importance of the each member's relation to the rest of the body. Just as a lone verse that is plucked out of the Bible, each of our walks loses proper perspective and meaning when cut off from the rest of the body. One verse out of context is meaningless without the rest, as are each of our relationships with Christ without taking hold of his redemption of all our relationships with one another. What makes this analogy work? Jesus is the Word incarnate, and we are the body of Christ. We are to embody the Word, but can only do so together.

If we do not love one another, then Christ's life, death, and resurrection have accomplished nothing in us.

Lent

We have arrived to Lent.  In fact, I am late for it.  Not just by a day, but my entire life.

Why I hate birthdays

It's the same reason why Christmas and Easter are silly. Each day we, as Christians, should appreciate God-with-us (Christ's birth), sacrifice (death), and victory (resurrection). To a lesser extent, we should acknowledge and appreciate peoples' existence more often than once in a blue moon. We as Christians understand the true significances of those holidays because we know Him, appreciate what He means to us. Likewise, those of us who claim to be friends to one another should appreciate the entirety of the lives of one another. In a way, birthdays are like summaries - they don't do justice to the processes we've undergone and witnessed each other undergo to get to this point.

I'll be the first to say that I fail pretty hard at what I just talked about. At least, I want desperately to believe just that, believe that I haven't tried hard enough. Because it means I can at least blame my lack of close friends on myself - instead of being left with the conclusion that I really am just the odd one out, and not of my own volition.

And it all comes back to that. Why do I want other people to recognize my value? Why do I want to recognize the value of others? Why do I want others to appreciate my recognition of their value, and to appreciate others' recognition of mine?

The same reason blacks fought and continue to fight for equality. Why did they need human laws to acknowledge the worth they knew was inherent to them based on their belief in Scripture? The same reason we went and continue to go and make disciples of all nations. Why must we proclaim the Kingship of Christ that is made so evident in the Bible? Because heavenly wisdom should be good for earthly change, to make right what isn't. Repeating a truth doesn't make it any more or less true, but until we live it out, truth in a book stays in a book, no matter how true it is. Effectively, not absolutely, we make truths true by our actions.

Aight, ima lay it out for you

I often forget to charge my phone. I don't even know where it is right now. But nobody ever calls me, so I actually don't even need to charge it or know where it is.

My best friend, on most days, is the fucking sandwich in my hand. It doesn't fail to tell me what's up, whether it be turkey or ham with a spread of goat cheese on whole wheat. I show my appreciation by taking a huge bite out of it. This is love.

A volte, scrivo in italiano. È un'altra metafora per la nostra distanza. Sento come, anche in inglese, non sono capito.

Satano sussurra nel mio orecchio,

Solo uno, solo uno... uno non sarebbe così male.

It's rough on my soul to be here in Naperville. But it's not like anywhere else is really better. I felt the same thing down at Urbana a year ago. I feel, in this regard, like John the Baptist. Like John, I must lay down my most basic wants, for they are insignificant in the face of eternity. One companion, one best friend. I can't have it if I idolize it. Just how real is God to me, if He isn't my everything? One day, my heart will finally be in the right place and God will provide, then.

Solo credo l'amore è così molto più che un sentimento. L'amore è avente la volontà a sacrificare il mio tutto. Sacrificando un "tutto" io non possiedo non è possibile. Dio deve divento il mio tutto.

La Luce dell'Amore

Non capisco come ancoro respirare, esattamente come non capisco la grazia di Dio. Non conosco come dire questo ma che la solitudine corrode un buco in me. Questa solitudine da forme al amore non possiedo. Se la solitudine è un buco in me, l'amore è la macchia luminosa nella mia ombra. La luce di Cristo traspare il buco in me, e definisce un amore capisco. Questa è la mia vita, l'atto di equilibrando la speranza e la disperazione.