Why I Don't Blog Anymore

I realize why I don't blog anymore. It's because, on some level, I am aware of just how self-absorbed I am, and blogging reveals to the world my true nature. I cannot bear to show people a quality I myself despise, for hypocrisy I despise even more.

How Much Earth?

At the end of my favorite drama, which I have probably watched 5+ times, the main character asks Ghenghis Khan, "How much earth will you take up when you die?" Ghenghis Khan gestures out a piece of ground no more than a few square feet in size. "Then for what reason have you built this empire?"

I do often wonder about my potential paths in life. Whether my life might include the nicer things in life, which I find difficult to part with. I love eating out. I would love to support my favorite artists by buying their music more often. I actually enjoy shoe-shopping. Ice cream. Beer. A cigarette, every now and then, even. More than any other tangible thing, a stable and genuine romantic relationship.

None of these things are "bad," per se. But all of these things require money, to some degree, at least as I have experienced them in my upper-middle class existence. Would I truly be content with being poor, with living a penny-pinching life? Would I truly be at peace with sharing the sorrows of the oppressed and downtrodden, with a life of ministering to them? I know that this is what it means to be a Christian. What I do unto the least of these, I do unto God Himself. This is eternal life: to know Christ. To know Him, know His heart for the world. Not just the upper crust of society that receives so many blessings, but the lowly as well, whom He loves dearly.

Logically, no reason stands against the latter, but my flesh screams for the former.

What I'd say at a funeral (from an old poem I wrote)

Your eyes flutter - not open, but closed - as you try to blink back the tears, but give up. You cry for another beautiful pair that could not close themselves for the last time. But let dry your eyes for the singular hope that there is a heavenly realm, and let soar your heart for that beautiful pair that elsewhere has opened, better and brighter than ever before. Lift up your chin, that your face might catch the sun that rises on this morning - a morning made for those in mourning.

Congratulations

Congratulations, from me to all you friends of mine, for having finished this leg of your journey. I yell from a vast distance behind you, hoping my words will be carried on the wind, through your ears, and into your hearts - so that your legs are strengthened for the journey ahead.

Yet half of me hopes you won't hear this, because I don't want you to look back over your shoulders. You would see me in a shameful state, unable to be fully happy for all of you because of the selfish me that sees in you what I could have been.

At the same time, it makes my congratulations all the more significant, in light of the fact that I wouldn't have offered them at all, some time ago. Where before there was no room in my heart for any of you, there is now some.

I'm sorry that I am so selfish. I don't mean to make this about me. I'm sorry that I've been unable to look past my own circumstances to take joy in your successes. I'll come around completely, eventually - I promise. But for now, I entreat you to accept this pittance of praise. Once again, congratulations, Class of 2010.

La Mia Preghiera

Vengo di nuovo per la tua grazia. Cambi la mia mente. Mi mostri la tossicità del mio peccato, così odio il mio peccato. Come Lei odii il mio peccato, voglio odiare il mio peccato.