An Old Letter I Wrote, Never Sent

Dear _____,

I admire you as more than a friend,

(The difference between a friend and a lover is less of type, more of degree. By varying degrees we interject into one another's lives, claiming by these acts that yes, our existences are mutually benefited.)

but I won't try to make us more than friends.

(You're better off with our friendship as is, and to take it to the that next level is probably not feasible or desirable. I have some growing to do, and who knows - you might just become even more amazing, in time! I would just hinder you from becoming a better you, in too close of proximity. At least right now.)

I figured... I just wanted to let you know that I like you, wanted to say it with no strings attached.

(Wait a couple years, see what happens. Maybe we'll be ready and right for one another by then, maybe not. But just know that I want the best for you, always.)

By the time you get this, I will probably be gone again. But I still want to watch Ponyo.

Fragments: Rejection

Rejection isn't limited to somebody refusing to choose you. It is also when any one person in the world chooses any other person. When a person chooses another, he or she prefers that one over all the others in the world. Over you. That person is deemed to be of more worth to the chooser than you. The chooser may not even know you. But already, you have been written off. It just doesn't mean much to you, because you don't care about that person either, in return. But rejection is painful when you do care.

What makes rejection painful is not only that your worth isn't recognized by the other person, but that you have misjudged that person's judgment. You don't know this person as well as you thought you did, because you believed she saw you in a certain way. And that certain way you thought she saw you was the same way you saw her. Thus, the relationship is not one of intimacy, but its opposite, alienation. She doesn't know you, and you don't know her.

Fragments: Old Spice Parody

Look at yourself.  Back to Jesus.  Back to yourself.  Now back to Jesus. Sadly, you aren't Jesus. But if you died to your old self and started living for Jesus, you could be more LIKE Jesus. Look down, back up, where are you? You're on your knees, worshipping the Jesus you could be more like.  What's in your hand?  Back at Jesus.  What He has is your hand in His. Look again, His hand has holes that should have been in yours!

Anything is possible when you live for Jesus and not yourself.

Christ is on the throne.

Fragments: Random Musings 5

I am beginning to think, after all this time spent searching for intimacy, that it is not to be found.  My ideal companion does not exist in the form of another fallen person.  I'm looking for a love only God can provide.  Not that I can't take enjoyment from being with others, only that I have been pinning unfair expectations on everybody I meet and all those I am surrounded by.  I expect divinity of them.

Fragments: Random Musings 4

I seem to hold off posting in hopes that my thoughts will somehow coalesce into some sort of novel.
--

I want to be with people, but I feel like I simultaneously push them away.
--

I put existence under Occam's Razor and disappeared.

Fragments: Old Wounds 2

I'm well aware that it is in Christ that my identity is rooted. My worth as a human being is intrinsic, yet... why do people feel uneasy, and visibly so, when I unveil the turns my life has taken? They show their hand. They reveal their values whenever they deem my path "regrettable." That leaves me and God alone to recognize my worth. Some will say, "That is enough." This is like the rich saying, "All I need is food and shelter," while living in opulence. It is something we know cognitively, but few understand. Until we do, I am a church of one. That is what is truly regrettable-- that I walk this path alone.

Fragments: Confession to All Old Flames

An open letter to all the girls I have ever loved

There are too many of you who have held my interest in the past, some more than others, to name; but let it suffice that I have revisited those moments in times past and seen the good in them.  I hope good comes to you wherever you may be.  If you have found men better than the boy I once was, or quite possibly better than the individual I am now, I wish you happiness.  If you have not yet, I wish you the best of luck, and pray that you don't settle.

For me to love now is different than what it once was.  For many, love has the meaning of possession.  But I have learned to accept that such may never be my lot, and thus the art of loving with an open heart.

Fragments: Random Musings 3

I heard, through the wall, a girl screaming, like she was getting raped.  Is that bad?

What's worse, that a girl could have been getting raped, or that I am so casually making light of it?

Last night, I dreamt that I was in a relationship with Lindsay Lohan.  She is psychotic, and can't drive.

And yes, I had sex with her.  And no, I don't find her attractive.

I really dreamt that last night.  Not!  As in "not lying."

Life's a bitch, and then you die.  Nas told me that.

Life's really a bitch right now... can I get to the dying part?

Wait, not yet!  ... Ok, now I'm ready.  I had to comb my hair.

See you all on the flip side!

Conversation About Platonic Relationships and "The One"

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V (2:21:41 PM): haha thanks for your comment on xanga
Me (2:22:12 PM): lol
V (2:22:01 PM): my friend is writing a paper on platonic relationships and i was doing a lot of thinking about it
V (2:22:05 PM): so you do think it's possible?
Me (2:22:38 PM): i do think it's possible, but
Me (2:22:41 PM): to put it bluntly
Me (2:22:47 PM): guys are very horny
Me (2:22:50 PM): :P
V (2:22:36 PM): they think down there instead of up there
V (2:22:39 PM): yes
V (2:22:40 PM): haha
Me (2:23:06 PM): yes
Me (2:23:15 PM): it's like we can only run one at a time
V (2:22:56 PM): haha
V (2:23:11 PM): but my friend who is writing the paper made a point - she says that platonic relationships can work out if both parties are involved with other people
V (2:23:19 PM): do you think that's the only exception?
Me (2:24:50 PM): nothing is guaranteed
Me (2:25:19 PM): no, i don't think it's the only exception
Me (2:25:38 PM): but at this point in our lives, it's hard to imagine otherwise
V (2:25:46 PM): i'm just kind of confused on the topic
V (2:25:56 PM): because i feel like society stresses that platonic relationships don't exist
V (2:26:04 PM): but at the same time, three of my best friends are guys and we're strictly friends
V (2:26:48 PM): i just feel like society is trying to tell us that this is an impossible situation
V (2:26:59 PM): but at the same time - it's occurring in my life, so what makes it impossible?
Me (2:27:36 PM): it's not impossible, just not likely
Me (2:27:50 PM): i'd say you're the exception, not the rule
V (2:27:32 PM): ok
V (2:28:02 PM): but what about things like attraction? like in the quote i found from the movie - once the attraction thing is out there, the friendship isn't quite a friendship anymore
V (2:28:28 PM): it doesn't matter if you act on that impulse of being attracted to the other person - it's just the idea of being attracted that crosses the boundary from being "just" friends into possibly something else
Me (2:29:06 PM): very true
Me (2:29:22 PM): i have crossed that line many times
V (2:29:08 PM): haha thank you for your honesty
V (2:29:10 PM): i'm sure i have to
V (2:29:11 PM): too'
V (2:29:19 PM): just thinking about it but not even acting on it
Me (2:30:10 PM): there's the thought of, "so what if..."
Me (2:30:46 PM): and then, if it goes on to the conclusion of, "hey, that'd be amazing!"
Me (2:31:08 PM): then there are apt to be changes in the way you relate to that person
V (2:30:58 PM): which is what changes the boundaries of the friendship, i think
Me (2:31:33 PM): well, unilaterally
V (2:31:14 PM): true
Me (2:32:06 PM): on my part, many of my relationships are really, "open to a relationship if you want it"
Me (2:32:16 PM): well, were
Me (2:32:25 PM): i decided to be more selective :P
V (2:32:15 PM): but in the Bible, God says that man and woman are created to be together - without a doubt - but surely that can't mean that every girl you meet has to have potential to be the one?
Me (2:32:48 PM): i don't believe in the one
V (2:32:27 PM): or that every boy i meet has potential to be a future husband?
V (2:32:33 PM): so what do you believe in?
Me (2:33:24 PM): well, i can say why i don't believe in "the one"
V (2:33:14 PM): go ahead
V (2:33:15 PM): i want to hear this
Me (2:33:57 PM): where its definition is, someone for whom God prepared for you since before time began
Me (2:34:41 PM): meaning that, ever since time did begin, it was written in the stars, YOU WILL MARRY HARRY OR MARY, OR WHOEVER I HAVE ORDAINED
Me (2:34:45 PM): lol
V (2:34:40 PM): haha
V (2:35:16 PM): well i think that God's will for us is everchanging - because after God gave us free will, there's no way we can ever make all the right decisions according to a set plan that God has for us, right?
Me (2:35:45 PM): i think the fact that God lets us remarry just throws the whole thing out the window
V (2:35:27 PM): how so?
Me (2:36:11 PM): because you marry someone, he's the one, then he dies, and then you marry someone else
Me (2:36:18 PM): he can't possibly also be THE one
V (2:35:56 PM): that's true
V (2:36:03 PM): i was actually thinking about that earlier last week
V (2:36:07 PM): except in terms of true love
V (2:36:19 PM): and if there really is a such thing as "one true love", then how can you remarry?
V (2:36:27 PM): it'd be like you were settling for less or settling for the next best thing
Me (2:36:54 PM): he's just the one at the current time
Me (2:38:16 PM): how to put it best...
Me (2:39:35 PM): this is so hard, lol
Me (2:39:52 PM): alright, here goes
V (2:39:37 PM): haha ok
Me (2:42:37 PM): ah, dammit
V (2:42:21 PM): too hard to explain?
Me (2:42:56 PM): maybe i should try through different examples
V (2:42:37 PM): ok
Me (2:43:31 PM): i believe that humans choose, at every moment, which path they will go on through life
Me (2:43:47 PM): there are millions of possibilities at any given moment for where your life will go
Me (2:44:35 PM): and for one possibility, you may meet person A, who God deems will be best for you
Me (2:44:44 PM): but on the other path, you may meet person B
Me (2:45:30 PM): or maybe, after going on the first path, you may take yet another path, and person C is the one who will best help your life reflect God's glory
Me (2:46:00 PM): so to say that there was, is, and will ever be only one person for any other
Me (2:46:18 PM): denies the validity of human choices
Me (2:46:22 PM): at least in my mind
Me (2:46:37 PM): and remarriage seems to support that
Me (2:48:20 PM): so in short, God has divine providence in store at every possibility of your existence
V (2:48:11 PM): so you think that God has a best option for you depending on which path yo utake?
Me (2:48:55 PM): yep, and that best option is "the one"
Me (2:49:08 PM): but... one of many potentialities
V (2:48:47 PM): but do you think there's an ultimate BEST option?
V (2:48:48 PM): like
V (2:48:52 PM): as impossible as this sounds
V (2:49:09 PM): you take all the correct choices (like a create your own story novel) that God wants you to take
V (2:49:15 PM): instead of taking some right, some wrong
V (2:50:01 PM): and after you take all the correct roads
V (2:50:09 PM): God gives you the ultimately best option
V (2:50:21 PM): instead of the other ones that are probably semi-best
Me (2:50:47 PM): of course
Me (2:52:06 PM): but i think God works with what He has to make your life more glorifying to Him... so He can make even the bad things work for the good
V (2:52:12 PM): but then wouldn't you still be settling for someone who's best for you at the time - instead of aiming for someone who's ultimately the best for you?
Me (2:53:58 PM): you could... but when you choose one path in life, you could be locking out the best option available to you at the beginning, so it's a non-factor
V (2:53:41 PM): that's true
Me (2:54:49 PM): i don't doubt lots of people out there are spending their lives with people who are less than what they might have gotten had they made different choices
Me (2:55:15 PM): but that's human existence, and God redeems it
Me (2:56:08 PM): so even someone who was horrible before can become an epitome of life in Christ
V (2:55:57 PM): hang on i'll brb
V (2:55:59 PM): keep talking
Me (2:56:23 PM): and what could be better than that?
Me (2:57:10 PM): the whole point of "the one" is someone who joins his life with yours to help your life better reflect His work in you
Me (2:58:07 PM): so even if person A isn't the best of all possible choices, his redemption can make him "the one" for the path you've taken in life
Me (2:59:58 PM): so bottom line, marriage isn't about two people coming together because they won't have any problems, but two people who, together in Christ, overcome the problems they encounter
Me (3:00:12 PM): that is the picture of God's redemptive work
Me (3:02:01 PM): of course, that's not to say you shouldn't try to make, with the help of God, the wisest choice possible and go marry a trashy bum or whore
Me (3:03:18 PM): that would be flat out dishonoring to God

Fragments: A Message to My Brother After Sending Him Off to College

It's only been a few hours, but I am already missing you. I know you'll probably find this hard to believe, but it's true. We didn't interact much on a daily basis, but already many things remind me of your absence, such as when I drive your car and listen to the music in it. As I was driving home from small group, I couldn't help but cry out of a combination of a bit of loneliness and a great deal of pride. Because I'm proud of you. So, so proud of you.

I'm proud that you've figured out what you're all about, and that it's a life in service to God.

Fragments: Random Musings 2

I think I am beginning to realize that, if I am to move forward, I must do so without "a room of my own."  Io sono cercando per un posto che non esiste.  I keep trying to claim for myself a tiny nook in time and space, whether it be the desire for intimacy, proficiency in a video game, or achievement in academics.  I am to be in this world, but not of it, an alien in a country not my own.
--

I honestly hope you are disturbed by my words.  I spit a truth that does not become any less true when it rocks your world and robs you of security.
--

I was eating Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds, and one of the almond bits stabbed me in the throat from within while I was swallowing.
--

Because my abilities are not being utilized to serve the LORD, it is only fitting that they are disappearing.

Fragments: Random Musings 1

The price to be paid for any truly great flavor (in food) is your breath.  There are few exceptions, if any, to this rule.

--

The moment I make it my goal to spend less money, situations arise that necessitate spending more.  Much of this involves spending time with friends and people I would like to develop friendship with.  As with food, there is a price, and as with anything, nothing free is truly worth having.

--

If I, myself, were the government, I would abolish marriage.  There should be no benefit provided by the government for those married; the benefits of marriage should in themselves be enough for the married.  That way, gay marriage wouldn't be such an issue.

--

If you're to pick just one character at random out of any movie, let's say The Bourne Ultimatum, the chances of actually picking the main character, Jason Bourne, is very slim.  More often we're the civilians that witness just a part of the street chase he has with Paz; at best we're Pam Landy, or at worst Noah Vosen.  The human struggle is to make some sort of significance of our own lives, as peripheral as they may be to the main attraction.

--

Oh!  How I hate that I want to be God! I look within and see the desire to be your first and best friend and lover. At its root is an almost incomprehensibly inflated view of myself.

--

Il mondo va.  Non vado.

Fragments: What I'd Like In A Spouse

I think the best metaphor I can give to describe women is pants. Women are like pants. Some pants fit closely but treat you like you don't have a penis. Other pants are so loose as to treat all of you like you're not there, tending toward sagging to the floor. This is where the metaphor falls apart: the baggy pants give your penis the proper treatment, but you need to tie them to you with the belt of marriage.


The best kind of pants are sweatpants... they are baggy, yet the elastic waistband makes it "fit." Sweatpants are also the most "homey"-feeling. I want a spouse like sweatpants.

Fragments: Old Wounds 1

Sometimes, I feel like I've dropped into this world from the sky, or maybe like the paralytic, down through the roof. And this world is middle-class, Chinese Christian evangelical church. But unlike Jesus' reaction to the paralytic, his church has not welcomed me and healed my wounds. Instead, they would like me to knock and be ushered in from the front door.

Fragments: Self-Analysis 1

I wish I was even more ready to move on. I am half-way there, at the moment. I see my parents' life, and it is that future I fear. I want no part of it, but fear as well the uncertainty of finding my own way. I find myself stuck here in the middle, as always. As usual, I am consigned to the fringes, the in-between places, the margins. I just can't seem to write between the lines. I once said that I was the page that spit back the ink printed on it. But now I realize that my true position is that of the words that fail to make it to the page. I am the unpublished novel, the unperformed concerto, the unrevealed painting. I am the unspoken "I love you," "I do," and "Goodbye," all rolled into one. I am a Christ still unresurrected on the fourth day.

Nonsensical Rambling: Wierd Dream 1 (From a while back)

starcraft-based dream

earthquake owned the nation

everybody who had been north of the fault line turned into zombies

jerry chen and alan were in the dream

alan was on a praise team

religion had become meaningless

we were trying to get to the northwest

good amount of still-healthy people

people turned to pleasure in that grim time

we pondered the meaninglessness of pleasure

Bible was very heavy; handles attached to covers, weighed me down

one obstacle was a very long, narrow house

it was a creepy, decrepit maze

we saw through the lie, and i used superhuman strength to just charge through the walls

military were mutant zealots (zombies)

their friendliness was fickle

Final Rant About The Girl I Love

She is: smart, funny, capable, independent, cute, hot, hard-working, and fun-loving.  She takes her faith seriously.  She is not a sister to me.  She is my ideal woman.  She makes me smile when I look at her, but frown because she's not mine.  For what has literally been years, I have been content to have her happy, even if that happiness is not with or because of me.  But I feel my star rising again.  The time will soon come when I will see myself as worthy-- her best possible option.  Given all this, I fear that I admire her wrongly.

Those qualities I listed about her are not bad; they are indeed admirable.  Rather, my attraction to her is suspect precisely because I like her for fulfilling my ideal.  If I'm honest, I have to admit that I don't know her.  I don't.  I really don't.  I don't know most of her likes and dislikes.  I don't know most of her tendencies and preferences.  I don't know exactly her life's calling or even her tentative plans.  I don't know at all what day her period comes.

Suddenly, her place in my memory becomes clear, and all I really know of her is from moments in the past.  Our relationship is most accurately described as people that are acquaintances but, for whatever reason, interact like old friends.  Suddenly, I am afraid that our shared upbringing counts for nothing, and even more that we are truly strangers and fated to remain so.

I absolutely hate unrequited love-- I believe it foolish.  I remain open to any other possibility, but I find myself comparing every other girl to her.  This situation is so unjust to those individuals; I find myself unable to ignore the fact that, no matter what other exceptional qualities they may exhibit, not one of them is her.

What I'd say at a funeral (from an old poem I wrote)

Your eyes flutter - not open, but closed - as you try to blink back the tears, but give up. You cry for another beautiful pair that could not close themselves for the last time. But let dry your eyes for the singular hope that there is a heavenly realm, and let soar your heart for that beautiful pair that elsewhere has opened, better and brighter than ever before. Lift up your chin, that your face might catch the sun that rises on this morning - a morning made for those in mourning.