Bigger, Truer Love

I love her more than ever before. After all this time, I find myself praying for her, not about her. Freed of the shackles of romance, I now love her more truly.

Fragments: Rejection

Rejection isn't limited to somebody refusing to choose you. It is also when any one person in the world chooses any other person. When a person chooses another, he or she prefers that one over all the others in the world. Over you. That person is deemed to be of more worth to the chooser than you. The chooser may not even know you. But already, you have been written off. It just doesn't mean much to you, because you don't care about that person either, in return. But rejection is painful when you do care.

What makes rejection painful is not only that your worth isn't recognized by the other person, but that you have misjudged that person's judgment. You don't know this person as well as you thought you did, because you believed she saw you in a certain way. And that certain way you thought she saw you was the same way you saw her. Thus, the relationship is not one of intimacy, but its opposite, alienation. She doesn't know you, and you don't know her.

Fragments: Old Spice Parody

Look at yourself.  Back to Jesus.  Back to yourself.  Now back to Jesus. Sadly, you aren't Jesus. But if you died to your old self and started living for Jesus, you could be more LIKE Jesus. Look down, back up, where are you? You're on your knees, worshipping the Jesus you could be more like.  What's in your hand?  Back at Jesus.  What He has is your hand in His. Look again, His hand has holes that should have been in yours!

Anything is possible when you live for Jesus and not yourself.

Christ is on the throne.

Fragments: Random Musings 5

I am beginning to think, after all this time spent searching for intimacy, that it is not to be found.  My ideal companion does not exist in the form of another fallen person.  I'm looking for a love only God can provide.  Not that I can't take enjoyment from being with others, only that I have been pinning unfair expectations on everybody I meet and all those I am surrounded by.  I expect divinity of them.

Fragments: Random Musings 4

I seem to hold off posting in hopes that my thoughts will somehow coalesce into some sort of novel.
--

I want to be with people, but I feel like I simultaneously push them away.
--

I put existence under Occam's Razor and disappeared.

Fragments: Old Wounds 2

I'm well aware that it is in Christ that my identity is rooted. My worth as a human being is intrinsic, yet... why do people feel uneasy, and visibly so, when I unveil the turns my life has taken? They show their hand. They reveal their values whenever they deem my path "regrettable." That leaves me and God alone to recognize my worth. Some will say, "That is enough." This is like the rich saying, "All I need is food and shelter," while living in opulence. It is something we know cognitively, but few understand. Until we do, I am a church of one. That is what is truly regrettable-- that I walk this path alone.

Fragments: Confession to All Old Flames

An open letter to all the girls I have ever loved

There are too many of you who have held my interest in the past, some more than others, to name; but let it suffice that I have revisited those moments in times past and seen the good in them.  I hope good comes to you wherever you may be.  If you have found men better than the boy I once was, or quite possibly better than the individual I am now, I wish you happiness.  If you have not yet, I wish you the best of luck, and pray that you don't settle.

For me to love now is different than what it once was.  For many, love has the meaning of possession.  But I have learned to accept that such may never be my lot, and thus the art of loving with an open heart.

Fragments: Random Musings 3

I heard, through the wall, a girl screaming, like she was getting raped.  Is that bad?

What's worse, that a girl could have been getting raped, or that I am so casually making light of it?

Last night, I dreamt that I was in a relationship with Lindsay Lohan.  She is psychotic, and can't drive.

And yes, I had sex with her.  And no, I don't find her attractive.

I really dreamt that last night.  Not!  As in "not lying."

Life's a bitch, and then you die.  Nas told me that.

Life's really a bitch right now... can I get to the dying part?

Wait, not yet!  ... Ok, now I'm ready.  I had to comb my hair.

See you all on the flip side!

Conversation About Platonic Relationships and "The One"

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V (2:21:41 PM): haha thanks for your comment on xanga
Me (2:22:12 PM): lol
V (2:22:01 PM): my friend is writing a paper on platonic relationships and i was doing a lot of thinking about it
V (2:22:05 PM): so you do think it's possible?
Me (2:22:38 PM): i do think it's possible, but
Me (2:22:41 PM): to put it bluntly
Me (2:22:47 PM): guys are very horny
Me (2:22:50 PM): :P
V (2:22:36 PM): they think down there instead of up there
V (2:22:39 PM): yes
V (2:22:40 PM): haha
Me (2:23:06 PM): yes
Me (2:23:15 PM): it's like we can only run one at a time
V (2:22:56 PM): haha
V (2:23:11 PM): but my friend who is writing the paper made a point - she says that platonic relationships can work out if both parties are involved with other people
V (2:23:19 PM): do you think that's the only exception?
Me (2:24:50 PM): nothing is guaranteed
Me (2:25:19 PM): no, i don't think it's the only exception
Me (2:25:38 PM): but at this point in our lives, it's hard to imagine otherwise
V (2:25:46 PM): i'm just kind of confused on the topic
V (2:25:56 PM): because i feel like society stresses that platonic relationships don't exist
V (2:26:04 PM): but at the same time, three of my best friends are guys and we're strictly friends
V (2:26:48 PM): i just feel like society is trying to tell us that this is an impossible situation
V (2:26:59 PM): but at the same time - it's occurring in my life, so what makes it impossible?
Me (2:27:36 PM): it's not impossible, just not likely
Me (2:27:50 PM): i'd say you're the exception, not the rule
V (2:27:32 PM): ok
V (2:28:02 PM): but what about things like attraction? like in the quote i found from the movie - once the attraction thing is out there, the friendship isn't quite a friendship anymore
V (2:28:28 PM): it doesn't matter if you act on that impulse of being attracted to the other person - it's just the idea of being attracted that crosses the boundary from being "just" friends into possibly something else
Me (2:29:06 PM): very true
Me (2:29:22 PM): i have crossed that line many times
V (2:29:08 PM): haha thank you for your honesty
V (2:29:10 PM): i'm sure i have to
V (2:29:11 PM): too'
V (2:29:19 PM): just thinking about it but not even acting on it
Me (2:30:10 PM): there's the thought of, "so what if..."
Me (2:30:46 PM): and then, if it goes on to the conclusion of, "hey, that'd be amazing!"
Me (2:31:08 PM): then there are apt to be changes in the way you relate to that person
V (2:30:58 PM): which is what changes the boundaries of the friendship, i think
Me (2:31:33 PM): well, unilaterally
V (2:31:14 PM): true
Me (2:32:06 PM): on my part, many of my relationships are really, "open to a relationship if you want it"
Me (2:32:16 PM): well, were
Me (2:32:25 PM): i decided to be more selective :P
V (2:32:15 PM): but in the Bible, God says that man and woman are created to be together - without a doubt - but surely that can't mean that every girl you meet has to have potential to be the one?
Me (2:32:48 PM): i don't believe in the one
V (2:32:27 PM): or that every boy i meet has potential to be a future husband?
V (2:32:33 PM): so what do you believe in?
Me (2:33:24 PM): well, i can say why i don't believe in "the one"
V (2:33:14 PM): go ahead
V (2:33:15 PM): i want to hear this
Me (2:33:57 PM): where its definition is, someone for whom God prepared for you since before time began
Me (2:34:41 PM): meaning that, ever since time did begin, it was written in the stars, YOU WILL MARRY HARRY OR MARY, OR WHOEVER I HAVE ORDAINED
Me (2:34:45 PM): lol
V (2:34:40 PM): haha
V (2:35:16 PM): well i think that God's will for us is everchanging - because after God gave us free will, there's no way we can ever make all the right decisions according to a set plan that God has for us, right?
Me (2:35:45 PM): i think the fact that God lets us remarry just throws the whole thing out the window
V (2:35:27 PM): how so?
Me (2:36:11 PM): because you marry someone, he's the one, then he dies, and then you marry someone else
Me (2:36:18 PM): he can't possibly also be THE one
V (2:35:56 PM): that's true
V (2:36:03 PM): i was actually thinking about that earlier last week
V (2:36:07 PM): except in terms of true love
V (2:36:19 PM): and if there really is a such thing as "one true love", then how can you remarry?
V (2:36:27 PM): it'd be like you were settling for less or settling for the next best thing
Me (2:36:54 PM): he's just the one at the current time
Me (2:38:16 PM): how to put it best...
Me (2:39:35 PM): this is so hard, lol
Me (2:39:52 PM): alright, here goes
V (2:39:37 PM): haha ok
Me (2:42:37 PM): ah, dammit
V (2:42:21 PM): too hard to explain?
Me (2:42:56 PM): maybe i should try through different examples
V (2:42:37 PM): ok
Me (2:43:31 PM): i believe that humans choose, at every moment, which path they will go on through life
Me (2:43:47 PM): there are millions of possibilities at any given moment for where your life will go
Me (2:44:35 PM): and for one possibility, you may meet person A, who God deems will be best for you
Me (2:44:44 PM): but on the other path, you may meet person B
Me (2:45:30 PM): or maybe, after going on the first path, you may take yet another path, and person C is the one who will best help your life reflect God's glory
Me (2:46:00 PM): so to say that there was, is, and will ever be only one person for any other
Me (2:46:18 PM): denies the validity of human choices
Me (2:46:22 PM): at least in my mind
Me (2:46:37 PM): and remarriage seems to support that
Me (2:48:20 PM): so in short, God has divine providence in store at every possibility of your existence
V (2:48:11 PM): so you think that God has a best option for you depending on which path yo utake?
Me (2:48:55 PM): yep, and that best option is "the one"
Me (2:49:08 PM): but... one of many potentialities
V (2:48:47 PM): but do you think there's an ultimate BEST option?
V (2:48:48 PM): like
V (2:48:52 PM): as impossible as this sounds
V (2:49:09 PM): you take all the correct choices (like a create your own story novel) that God wants you to take
V (2:49:15 PM): instead of taking some right, some wrong
V (2:50:01 PM): and after you take all the correct roads
V (2:50:09 PM): God gives you the ultimately best option
V (2:50:21 PM): instead of the other ones that are probably semi-best
Me (2:50:47 PM): of course
Me (2:52:06 PM): but i think God works with what He has to make your life more glorifying to Him... so He can make even the bad things work for the good
V (2:52:12 PM): but then wouldn't you still be settling for someone who's best for you at the time - instead of aiming for someone who's ultimately the best for you?
Me (2:53:58 PM): you could... but when you choose one path in life, you could be locking out the best option available to you at the beginning, so it's a non-factor
V (2:53:41 PM): that's true
Me (2:54:49 PM): i don't doubt lots of people out there are spending their lives with people who are less than what they might have gotten had they made different choices
Me (2:55:15 PM): but that's human existence, and God redeems it
Me (2:56:08 PM): so even someone who was horrible before can become an epitome of life in Christ
V (2:55:57 PM): hang on i'll brb
V (2:55:59 PM): keep talking
Me (2:56:23 PM): and what could be better than that?
Me (2:57:10 PM): the whole point of "the one" is someone who joins his life with yours to help your life better reflect His work in you
Me (2:58:07 PM): so even if person A isn't the best of all possible choices, his redemption can make him "the one" for the path you've taken in life
Me (2:59:58 PM): so bottom line, marriage isn't about two people coming together because they won't have any problems, but two people who, together in Christ, overcome the problems they encounter
Me (3:00:12 PM): that is the picture of God's redemptive work
Me (3:02:01 PM): of course, that's not to say you shouldn't try to make, with the help of God, the wisest choice possible and go marry a trashy bum or whore
Me (3:03:18 PM): that would be flat out dishonoring to God

Fragments: A Message to My Brother After Sending Him Off to College

It's only been a few hours, but I am already missing you. I know you'll probably find this hard to believe, but it's true. We didn't interact much on a daily basis, but already many things remind me of your absence, such as when I drive your car and listen to the music in it. As I was driving home from small group, I couldn't help but cry out of a combination of a bit of loneliness and a great deal of pride. Because I'm proud of you. So, so proud of you.

I'm proud that you've figured out what you're all about, and that it's a life in service to God.