Part of why I haven't written in a while is for the prudence of letting old ghosts rest. But there's a new woman in my life, and she deserves a less encumbered me. So, demons must be exorcised.
--
"Godsend" by DC Talk
My upbringing was a bit on the insular, sheltered side. I never listened to the secular or modern music until middle school. The firstband I ever discovered was DC Talk. It was because they were Christians / made Christian music that my parents even had their CD, "Free at Last," in the house. I think it was a thing that Christian Book Distributors did, send out free CDs to members once in a while. So, DC Talk was the first band I ever followed, and I followed into my high school years.
What I should mention is the place DC Talk has in my spiritual development. Their music, at least to the awkward kid that I was, was cool, hip, and modern. It was a relief to find cool, hip people who espoused the same worldview as I did, and propagated the same beliefs I'd been taught. DC Talk's music solidified my values, especially with regard to love. That's where this song comes onto the scene.
"Godsend" was, up until that point in my life, a summation of my ideals about love. "The One," divine destiny, the whole nine yards. It was in that phase where everybody dedicated songs to each other (ie "This song is our jam!"). I'd wanted to sing this with Beatrice at the next youth group coffeehouse. That was before our relationship collapsed, of course.
There are some of you out there who know the history between me and her. She was not my "high school sweetheart." She was the girl I could never let go through all of high school, because my ooey, gooey, sappy little heart believed that true love, even if unrequited for a while, could conquer all. That's why Beatrice was able to fuck up that heart of mine, multiple times. She was the one for whom that love of mine, as clumsy but wholehearted as it was, was never enough. In retrospect, she never did understand love, much less the world, in the same way I did, so this song was wasted on her; she ruined it for me, and that's why it's on here. Because of the association this song had with my ideals about love at the time, she ruined
love. I didn't even consider dating for the next five years or so, it was that bad.
For this one song from our time together, I have about a dozen for the pain she caused, so I guess that makes it special, in its own way.
