Into Uniform

I enlisted in the Army in August of 2012.

April of 2012: As a lit major, I was sitting in a post-modern lit class listening to my peers talk about how nothing has meaning, and I reacted against this presentation of effete intellectual life that might have been my future. I just got this stifling feeling of my life was slipping away as I sat there, almost helplessly. I wanted the opposite, and the military quickly emerged as an option.

I realized, in the course of time, that what I was after was masculinity. I was out to remedy the weakness I'd allowed myself to cultivate my entire life, which had culminated with a philosophical dead end in a classroom. Is that an embarrassing thing to admit? I don't care, I have no shame. God was about to redefine a lot of concepts for me, though. I've since realized that masculinity is not putting on cammies and gear and toting a gun to look badass. It's what's inside the uniform that gives the uniform its power; there are a lot of hollow people walking around in our armed forces. One doesn't have to join the military to become a man, nor does joining the military necessarily make you one; this path is merely the one on which I have been lead. While I don't have a complete handle on true masculinity, I've learned that it requires the paradox of humble confidence that comes from knowing one's place before God, yet also having a firm faith in what he's doing in me and through me. That humble confidence enables a man to lead people on his team, whether that be his church or his family, to be upright in the sight of the Lord.

What is he doing through me? I don't know the full extent of it yet, but what he's doing in me has enabled what he's done so far, and I believe that trend will continue. Not only has God used the process of joining the Army to teach me about being a man, but he's been using that preparation to teach or further hone the traits and skills I will need to fulfill that role: Leadership by example; Discipline that enables devotion; A spirit of self-sacrifice. The list goes on. I've seen so many changes already, both physical and mental, and that has caused my faith to grow. The process can only intensify once I'm actually in, and that gets me excited for what God has in store.

In short, this Army adventure is about following hard after Jesus, trusting that he'll make me the man I need to be.

If anybody has questions, ask, and I'll do my best to answer.

An Old Letter I Wrote, Never Sent

Dear _____,

I admire you as more than a friend,

(The difference between a friend and a lover is less of type, more of degree. By varying degrees we interject into one another's lives, claiming by these acts that yes, our existences are mutually benefited.)

but I won't try to make us more than friends.

(You're better off with our friendship as is, and to take it to the that next level is probably not feasible or desirable. I have some growing to do, and who knows - you might just become even more amazing, in time! I would just hinder you from becoming a better you, in too close of proximity. At least right now.)

I figured... I just wanted to let you know that I like you, wanted to say it with no strings attached.

(Wait a couple years, see what happens. Maybe we'll be ready and right for one another by then, maybe not. But just know that I want the best for you, always.)

By the time you get this, I will probably be gone again. But I still want to watch Ponyo.

Why Writing Didn't Happen

I lost my desire to speak when I realized that talk is cheap. People have spewed mindless drivel right, left, and at me. I myself made empty promises and resolutions.

Around the time of my previous post about wanting to write again, I started really getting into my physical preparation for joining the military, and in that activity, that action, I found the solution to my malaise that my words had never been able to dissolve. I became a better man: a man of action whose actions alter reality.

Interestingly, all of my ideological questions and dilemmas have been answered. I have become truer to myself and everybody around me since joining the army. Even my words mean more, now. Training physically made me mentally stronger, and since then, I've written things that I'm ready now to release to the world.

I'm really back this time, laconic as ever, but back. Hi.