I'm coming to the conclusion that life was meant to be lived how we choose to live it, not according to others' ideals and values. Others' opinions can inform your own, but ultimately we choose to adopt the parts that suit us and reject the parts that don't.
That brings me back to faith. Specifically, the Christian faith. I'll make my choices and own them. God is my judge, not anybody else. I'm at a place in my soul where my community is further away from being able to minister to me than ever before. I need people to walk with me while I figure out life, even while I might not be making choices that are deemed "right." God is working on my behalf and getting me through this trying time in life, I know he is. He's providing for me. He's brought me to all these challenges, and he will bring me through them.
That's why I still pray, even though Sunday School is mostly inconsequential fluff. I've never claimed to be "perfect," nor is perfection, by any definition, what I seek. I've only ever wanted to live, and live well, and to be honest and real. Because that's a prerequisite to loving and being loved, and a prerequisite to true joy that persists even in hard times.
We're all God's children, trying to make our way in this world. Live and let live, I say.
domenica, giugno 21, 2015
mercoledì, maggio 14, 2014
Yearning
Sometimes in life, you may be seeing or talking to somebody smart, beautiful, funny, and laid back, but what you need is to chill with a homegirl. Then you realize that everybody's gone their separate ways, and things just aren't as they were.
The sourness of heartbreak or disappointment doesn't come all at once at the beginning; emotions return, by trickle or flood, maybe faintly, maybe strongly, but you recognize it distinctly. Regret-- unfulfilled desire and incomplete happiness.
We crumple up these feelings like the flawed outlines and rough drafts written on loose leaf by young aspiring writers, tossed into the dustbins-turned-knots in our hearts.
Lord, come take out my garbage.
domenica, febbraio 23, 2014
"Godsend" by DC Talk
Part of why I haven't written in a while is for the prudence of letting old ghosts rest. But there's a new woman in my life, and she deserves a less encumbered me. So, demons must be exorcised.
"Godsend" by DC Talk
My upbringing was a bit on the insular, sheltered side. I never listened to the secular or modern music until middle school. The firstband I ever discovered was DC Talk. It was because they were Christians / made Christian music that my parents even had their CD, "Free at Last," in the house. I think it was a thing that Christian Book Distributors did, send out free CDs to members once in a while. So, DC Talk was the first band I ever followed, and I followed into my high school years.
What I should mention is the place DC Talk has in my spiritual development. Their music, at least to the awkward kid that I was, was cool, hip, and modern. It was a relief to find cool, hip people who espoused the same worldview as I did, and propagated the same beliefs I'd been taught. DC Talk's music solidified my values, especially with regard to love. That's where this song comes onto the scene.
"Godsend" was, up until that point in my life, a summation of my ideals about love. "The One," divine destiny, the whole nine yards. It was in that phase where everybody dedicated songs to each other (ie "This song is our jam!"). I'd wanted to sing this with Beatrice at the next youth group coffeehouse. That was before our relationship collapsed, of course.
There are some of you out there who know the history between me and her. She was not my "high school sweetheart." She was the girl I could never let go through all of high school, because my ooey, gooey, sappy little heart believed that true love, even if unrequited for a while, could conquer all. That's why Beatrice was able to fuck up that heart of mine, multiple times. She was the one for whom that love of mine, as clumsy but wholehearted as it was, was never enough. In retrospect, she never did understand love, much less the world, in the same way I did, so this song was wasted on her; she ruined it for me, and that's why it's on here. Because of the association this song had with my ideals about love at the time, she ruined love. I didn't even consider dating for the next five years or so, it was that bad.
For this one song from our time together, I have about a dozen for the pain she caused, so I guess that makes it special, in its own way.
--
"Godsend" by DC Talk
My upbringing was a bit on the insular, sheltered side. I never listened to the secular or modern music until middle school. The firstband I ever discovered was DC Talk. It was because they were Christians / made Christian music that my parents even had their CD, "Free at Last," in the house. I think it was a thing that Christian Book Distributors did, send out free CDs to members once in a while. So, DC Talk was the first band I ever followed, and I followed into my high school years.
What I should mention is the place DC Talk has in my spiritual development. Their music, at least to the awkward kid that I was, was cool, hip, and modern. It was a relief to find cool, hip people who espoused the same worldview as I did, and propagated the same beliefs I'd been taught. DC Talk's music solidified my values, especially with regard to love. That's where this song comes onto the scene.
"Godsend" was, up until that point in my life, a summation of my ideals about love. "The One," divine destiny, the whole nine yards. It was in that phase where everybody dedicated songs to each other (ie "This song is our jam!"). I'd wanted to sing this with Beatrice at the next youth group coffeehouse. That was before our relationship collapsed, of course.
There are some of you out there who know the history between me and her. She was not my "high school sweetheart." She was the girl I could never let go through all of high school, because my ooey, gooey, sappy little heart believed that true love, even if unrequited for a while, could conquer all. That's why Beatrice was able to fuck up that heart of mine, multiple times. She was the one for whom that love of mine, as clumsy but wholehearted as it was, was never enough. In retrospect, she never did understand love, much less the world, in the same way I did, so this song was wasted on her; she ruined it for me, and that's why it's on here. Because of the association this song had with my ideals about love at the time, she ruined love. I didn't even consider dating for the next five years or so, it was that bad.
For this one song from our time together, I have about a dozen for the pain she caused, so I guess that makes it special, in its own way.
domenica, febbraio 02, 2014
What's Important, and Why I'm not Happy
What's important in this life, for a Christian, is the Kingdom of Heaven. I keep forgetting that. I keep running around, searching for some magic shot that will cure my soul of its boredom and dissatisfaction with everything it tries.
Lately, it's been relationships and the intimacy they seem to promise. No relationship, unless it aids in building my character and in turn the Kingdom, will ever satisfy. The same goes for whatever job I may hold.
The bottom line is that I'll never be content to live for myself; what smallness that would be!
martedì, aprile 30, 2013
Into Uniform
I enlisted in the Army in August of 2012.
April of 2012: As a lit major, I was sitting in a post-modern lit class listening to my peers talk about how nothing has meaning, and I reacted against this presentation of effete intellectual life that might have been my future. I just got this stifling feeling of my life was slipping away as I sat there, almost helplessly. I wanted the opposite, and the military quickly emerged as an option.
I realized, in the course of time, that what I was after was masculinity. I was out to remedy the weakness I'd allowed myself to cultivate my entire life, which had culminated with a philosophical dead end in a classroom. Is that an embarrassing thing to admit? I don't care, I have no shame. God was about to redefine a lot of concepts for me, though. I've since realized that masculinity is not putting on cammies and gear and toting a gun to look badass. It's what's inside the uniform that gives the uniform its power; there are a lot of hollow people walking around in our armed forces. One doesn't have to join the military to become a man, nor does joining the military necessarily make you one; this path is merely the one on which I have been lead. While I don't have a complete handle on true masculinity, I've learned that it requires the paradox of humble confidence that comes from knowing one's place before God, yet also having a firm faith in what he's doing in me and through me. That humble confidence enables a man to lead people on his team, whether that be his church or his family, to be upright in the sight of the Lord.
What is he doing through me? I don't know the full extent of it yet, but what he's doing in me has enabled what he's done so far, and I believe that trend will continue. Not only has God used the process of joining the Army to teach me about being a man, but he's been using that preparation to teach or further hone the traits and skills I will need to fulfill that role: Leadership by example; Discipline that enables devotion; A spirit of self-sacrifice. The list goes on. I've seen so many changes already, both physical and mental, and that has caused my faith to grow. The process can only intensify once I'm actually in, and that gets me excited for what God has in store.
In short, this Army adventure is about following hard after Jesus, trusting that he'll make me the man I need to be.
If anybody has questions, ask, and I'll do my best to answer.
April of 2012: As a lit major, I was sitting in a post-modern lit class listening to my peers talk about how nothing has meaning, and I reacted against this presentation of effete intellectual life that might have been my future. I just got this stifling feeling of my life was slipping away as I sat there, almost helplessly. I wanted the opposite, and the military quickly emerged as an option.
I realized, in the course of time, that what I was after was masculinity. I was out to remedy the weakness I'd allowed myself to cultivate my entire life, which had culminated with a philosophical dead end in a classroom. Is that an embarrassing thing to admit? I don't care, I have no shame. God was about to redefine a lot of concepts for me, though. I've since realized that masculinity is not putting on cammies and gear and toting a gun to look badass. It's what's inside the uniform that gives the uniform its power; there are a lot of hollow people walking around in our armed forces. One doesn't have to join the military to become a man, nor does joining the military necessarily make you one; this path is merely the one on which I have been lead. While I don't have a complete handle on true masculinity, I've learned that it requires the paradox of humble confidence that comes from knowing one's place before God, yet also having a firm faith in what he's doing in me and through me. That humble confidence enables a man to lead people on his team, whether that be his church or his family, to be upright in the sight of the Lord.
What is he doing through me? I don't know the full extent of it yet, but what he's doing in me has enabled what he's done so far, and I believe that trend will continue. Not only has God used the process of joining the Army to teach me about being a man, but he's been using that preparation to teach or further hone the traits and skills I will need to fulfill that role: Leadership by example; Discipline that enables devotion; A spirit of self-sacrifice. The list goes on. I've seen so many changes already, both physical and mental, and that has caused my faith to grow. The process can only intensify once I'm actually in, and that gets me excited for what God has in store.
In short, this Army adventure is about following hard after Jesus, trusting that he'll make me the man I need to be.
If anybody has questions, ask, and I'll do my best to answer.
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