On the Future

I'm sure you've all been perceiving that the rest of our lives is about to begin, in some way. But for some reason, whereas some of you may feel it as the Spirit descending upon you invigoratingly, I see nothing but gloom and boredom. And maybe that's why I'm so reluctant to part ways with childhood - I see only nothingness in my future.

And it's not supposed to be like that, especially for one professing to be believe in Christ and His glory manifested through the Church. But perhaps I no longer truly believe in the power of such truth to effect change in us. In which case, it is no longer truth to me.

I'm just waiting for You to move me, God. I need something to aspire to.

I am a petty fool.  I find myself envious of the attention other people receive on their birthdays, and seethe at the injustice of it all.  My desire for others' well-regard is a weakness I must purge.

The Totals Aren't Computing to Twenty

What You See

If you see me doing anything good or productive, know that it is not of me.  What you witness is God at work, animating me to do that which is counter to what I am.

Ancient Utterings by Persons Long Dead to Other Deceased Individuals, Part 1c

(Recorded in the same journal, on the same day; see previous entry).

After receiving this.

I'm here on this cold, golden day, and the sun is shining through a crack in the curtains on this afternoon here in her house.  We sit here in the silence, enjoying it, because within it is carried all the unspoken words of our minds and the mutual feelings and emotions of our hearts.  The very air is saturated with our quiet happiness, pregnant with contentment.  This is where I find myself, this singular, eternal moment.  The paradox of that phrase aside, the description is apt.  I feel incredibly blessed by God to be with this wonderful, wonderful girl, and cannot be thankful enough.

I am happy.